Love & What Exactly is Love

Have you ever sat and pondered what love truly is and whether you are experiencing it? I recall receiving advice early in my marriage from a coworker, and I believe it was the best guidance anyone could offer about marriage. I remember her telling me that marriage is like a roller coaster, with many ups and downs. Sometimes, you'll experience these ups and downs together, and other times you won't. During those times when you're not together, it's important to find a way back to each other and be patient. She also mentioned that the longer you stay together, the easier it becomes, and not to give up because that's the easy route. She said it will be challenging, and you'll want to walk away more than once, but you can persevere by remembering the roller coaster analogy. To this day, I consider that advice to be the best I've received, along with a few other pieces of wisdom from older individuals.

When we say marriage and relationships are challenging, I can share experiences from my own. I want to clarify that I'm far from perfect or easy to deal with, and this is my story. In my younger days, I would often provoke situations and sometimes didn't know when to stop. As I've grown older, or perhaps because I choose my battles differently now, I've become quieter and less concerned. The first time I questioned love was after experiencing a miscarriage. I wasn't very far along, but I remember being so excited. I already had a 3-year-old at home and thought it was perfect that they would be close in age. One night, while working, I felt crampy and unwell, and I was pretty sure I had passed the fetus. I informed my supervisor, who advised me to go home and visit the hospital. Terrified, I went home and told my husband I believed I was having a miscarriage and needed to go to the hospital. He simply said, "Well, I can't go with you; I have to work. You'll have to let me know what happens." I felt utterly deflated, alone, and abandoned at a time when I needed my loved one by my side.

There was another occasion when I questioned the nature of love, prompted by a comment that my spouse made, which has lingered with me ever since. We were having an argument, as couples often do, but sometimes arguing with him went beyond the norm. He could mock, belittle, and be downright cruel. My father had similar tendencies, though not as extreme as his; he could be like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, switching moods in an instant, leaving you unsure of what to expect. Moreover, he always believes he is right and perfect, and he will readily admit it if asked. During this particular argument, I remember him looking at me with a chilling coldness and saying, "I don't love you. I have never loved you. I have never been in love and don't know what love even feels like." To this day, I genuinely believe that. I still don't think he loves me; I am merely a source of comfort and routine for him. I suspect that, in truth, he doesn't find me good enough and may have hidden affairs that I am unaware of—and probably don't want to know about. If I bring up his past words, he will acknowledge them and say, "Yes, I did say that, and I don't need you in my life, but I want you in my life," as if that should make me feel warm and reassured!

Please leave a comment share I want to hear others not just mine.