As Years Start Pasting By....

I remember being a child, eagerly anticipating growing up, living independently, and experiencing new things. As an adult with children, I found myself impatient for them to start walking and talking, always rushing through life's stages. It seems we're always in a hurry for everything to happen. Eventually, we reach a point where we long for those earlier days and wish we could revisit them, sometimes to do things differently or to be with a loved one who left too soon. Reflecting on the past, I realize how I missed moments because life was moving so quickly. I once thought life was slow and wanted it to speed up, but now it feels too fast, and I wish it would slow down. I've also realized that constantly apologizing can indicate trauma or abuse. Looking back, I recognize the trauma I experienced, even at a young age, and how it influenced my relationships. I didn't grow up in an affectionate family. I remember crying at my grandma's funeral, and my dad told me to stop, saying we don't do that. That was our family dynamic. We would tense up when hugging each other. I even catch myself doing that with my own kids, though I try hard not to. Life is challenging, and I've often wondered, especially after my dad passed, if he was proud of me or if he loved me. With my own children and grandchildren, I never want them to question that. My living mom, a narcissist, seems to view everything as a competition and can't stand me. I make an effort because sometimes I feel guilty, then wonder if I'm the narcissist or the problem. But one thing I know for sure is that I want my family to feel love, warmth, and importance whenever they're around me. When I leave this world, I want them to know how important they were to me and how much I loved them, without having to wonder like I do with my dad or feel like I do with my mom. That's how life and family should be, and while I'm not there yet, I strive every day to get closer to that ideal.